So I made this list over a month ago. It's probably the best thing I've ever written.


weird things i've noticed are IN right now:

antlars
pot
can't remember

Update

My granma has been going through some health problems, in and out of the hospital and whatnot, having several heart surgeries. She went to the ER last night because she was feeling real bad and tonight her boyfriend, while driving to see her, was pulled over for weaving. He was taken to the ER and diagnosed with some 14 syllable brain thing. He's her primary caretaker so yeah. Shitty, shitty times. I'm going to Southern Oregon for awhile to be with my gma. I don't know when I'll be back. I'll keep you updated, but please think good thoughts or pray or do whatever you can. <3.

The Hanged Man

The Mythic Tarot deck says that The Hanged Man signifies a person that must make themselves vulnerable, must suffer, must have faith in oneself and in something larger than themselves. Like a martyr the hanged man is strung up by his ankles and made to feel pain, physical and otherwise, as he waits for his punishment. But although he waits with fear and anxiety, he also holds in his heart the belief that this suffering will somehow contribute to the greater good. He has hope.

It's an intense image but one that's been a comfort to me lately. I've been sort of glidding along these past three or four months, having good and bad days, not really thinking about past hurts very much. But here they've come bubbling to the surface and although I've been crying and feeling some sadness, I know in the end that this pain only brings me closer to a much more rich and fulfilling happiness, far greater than the happiness I am mourning.

On a less cryptic level, New York, particularly Brooklyn is quite lovely. Erin and I have been getting along great. I've gotten to see old friends and I've danced and drunk and sung and laughed and all that good stuff one should do on vacation. The weather has been really beauitful - sunny clear skies and a crisp wind. I've spent some really great quality time alone, watching dogs and squirrels play in the park. Yay. And long subway rides are only an opportunity to read. Shmau. I'm so grateful I could come out here and I'm really looking forward to the future. So yeah, it's a good day.

so pretty

So I'm coming up on three months into this arranged marriage that is my life in Portland. And yesterday, I finally feel in love just a little bit. It's been so rainy, but these past two days, the rain cleared and it was sunny and clear. The edges on everything seem sharper. The trees are brilliant yellow, orange and red. And driving to the airport, the sunset washed the horizon in pink just as I looked out to see Mt. Hood rising snowy and lovely past the ragged line of pines. Yes.

Transition Year

Shit is hard right now. Graduating from college is definetly the new graduating from high school. Man, I thought moving away from my parents, my childhood home, the only place I had ever lived - to go to a new, scary, independent, demanding world of college was going to be hard. It was a cake walk. I literally walked around and was handed cake. Or maybe that's just what it felt like. Now this. This is fucking hard. This is like a rainy, muddy, terrifying, pitch black grop through a dark tunnel where all you get handed is stale tortilla chips. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating.
It's not that bad, especially when you're mooching off your parents and living rent-free with no job. Indeed, I have had some great fun here in Peepeetown and I'm glad I'm not in school anymore, but good lord there is an abyss at my doorstep wearing a nametag reading "Your Fucking Future."

First world problem I know, but I have SO MUCH freedom. I have SO MUCH mobility. I can go and do just about anything. And I am terrified. I can deconstruct the feminist implications of that novel you're reading like it ain't no thang, but I have no clue who I am and what I want to do. And it's starting to really freak me out. The question "what am I going to do with my life" is not a joke anymore. I'm asking myself in all seriousness multiple times a day.

I've started making a mental list of things I think I could be good at, or at least care about. But every option seems soul crushing in one way or another.
All I really know is: I want to be my own boss. I want to be creative.

It's bizarre the way our lives have become so public. I used to keep a journal that only I (and only barely) ever read. Now, I post my thoughts and feelings on the internet for all to see. I think it's fucking with my head. Television, Celebrities, Reality TV and Blogs.... It's getting to the point that I don't think anything is real or good unless I can broadcast it.

in advocacy of best friends

I've been thinking a lot lately about intimacy, vulnerability and fear.

We live in a culture which elevates the monogamous heterosexual relationship. We all understand on some level that (at least culturally) having a romantic partner (of the unfortunately, opposite sex) gives us status. And, additionally, for many of us, we gain great comfort and pleasure from being in a relationship, having a partner.

But here's the thing, why do we seek closeness with the one person that will most likely not be a permanent fixture in our lives? We let our partners see us at our most vulnerable. They probably know us better than our family and even, our closest friends. And we are encouraged to be this way. We are encouraged to open ourselves up to a partner much more so than we are to our friends. Just look at the goal we are all supposed to be attaining-marriage. So we share more, we work through the fear, we push ourselves to be completely intimate with our partners in a way that does not compare to our friendships or family. And yet, how often do we break up with our friends or family?

I'm not advocating lessening intimacy and vulnerability with partners, but rather questioning why we don't award closeness with friends and family. I think most of us don't get as close to even our closest friends as we do to our partners. We're told we don't have to. Curious considering that we're probably much less likely to be hurt by them.